Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
