Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
