I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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