If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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