Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
