someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
