I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
