I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Randomize
