Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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