Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
