Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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