He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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