drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
3pm strippers are depressing
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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