A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
