he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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