respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
