Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
