I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
