Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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