He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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