apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
