I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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