Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
