the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Randomize
