I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize