I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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