WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
