I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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