A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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