I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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