i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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