ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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