So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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