did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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