I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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