A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
3 2 1 whiskey
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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