so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
