Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
