Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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