WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
