if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
