Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
