I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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