Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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