She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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