Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
