just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
