I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
