Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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