How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
