Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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