You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
