youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
i now understand why vodka
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize