I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
