I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize