I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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