If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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