Already got asked if we're dating
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
even my farts smell like vagina
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
