i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
